Zyler Meets His Shea

Today was a joyous day. I got to meet Zyler again after one year of giving birth to him. I got to see his mom and his dad also. Me and my sister Kisha, accompanied by Arielle and Shanquetta met them at Bush Airport. It was hard tryin to find them, but me and Jea stayied on the phone while I tried to find them. As to my suprise they were one floor above me. I went upstairs and while on the phone seen Jea pushing Zyler and Chris holding the car seat that the airport gave back to them instead of checking it in. I ran to them and Gave themn the biggest hug. Zyler was asleep. We met up with Kisha, Ari and Brownie. And the picture taking began. I was playing with Zylers feet and he woke up. His first take to me want that good. (I didnt take offense) He was sleepy and only wanted his mama. When we got into the car, he stared at me the whole way ti I-Hop. I mean just gazed at me, and I couldnt explain that feeling. When we got to I-Hop, thats when Zyler came out. He was so playful and babbled and played with me. I couldnt believe, this was the boy I gave birth to last year. He has grown sooooo much. Maybe he stared at me because we look alike, or maybe because he knew I looked familar through pictures. He played in his pancakes and strawberries. And took some handfuls of mine..lol More picture taking began. He gave smile after smile and even went to Brownie and Ari. He even played with Amir, doing the monster voice. Just to look at him was good enough for me. He even gave me kisses. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears, cause as my fellow birthmom Desha said, I should LIVE for this day. Save my tears for later. I enjoyed today sooo much. We took family pictures outside of the I-Hop, and Chris gave me a copy of his growth chart...The top of the NORM...lol He's a growning boy I must say. Then It was time to head back to the Airport. I didnt want to cry, but I did.I wanted all of them to saty longer, I wanted to saok more Zyler in. But as My Jea said, this is one of many visits to come. Portland here I come...I love sooo much that I got a chance just to see them, To hug them< to hold Zyler...This day has no words to explain how I felt or feeling right now...til later

Happy Birthday Zyler Kendall James!

Today is the day! My Zyler's birthday. Its a bittersweet time, but he had a blast! His grandparents came in from Kentucky and they seemed to enjoy him a lot. I wonder what will it be like to meet him at the end of this month? How will he take to me? I'm so nervous and anxious to see him. I have made it a year! And I'm proud of myself. I have been feeling sad but its to be done. The pain and heartache is the price I paid for others happiness. And I would do it a thousand time. Happy Birthday to you! I was lonely today, I had to spend it alone and it seems on your b day I will be alone too. Your in my heart always.

Its your day.......son
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A year ago....

One year ago today, I was waiting to meet the couple i picked for my son. I met them at my favorite restaurant and we began our lifelong bond. We swapped pictures and Chris
told stories. Jea told me of her nanny experience and about a special lil boy she keeps name Will. Christy had to leave but we went to the beach and walked and talked some more. Chris went to go see if he could find a cap, while me and My Jea talked. Walking on the beach and being there was a great time. Before we left I gave them a card with the ultrasound of their soon to be son, and by the look on Jea's face, she loved it. We spent that day at the beach and getting our toes done. Jea told me about where the name Zyler (Zieler) came from..(g. granma) and her WORST DATE EVER!!! And believe me it was. All during that time, Zyler was moving around. Then we made our way to Wal Mart..(my fav place) This is where Chris discovered my passion for the color Blue...LOL Then we made our way back to my dormitory. I had to stay at a high risk facility. But the whole day was wonderful and I wouldn't change it for the world...

August is Busy!

Well I have good news and sad news! I guess the sad news first. I won't be there for Zyler's 1st birthday. The day I gave birth to this Lil man, BUT I spoke to My Jea and she said they have a 9 hour layover in Houston on Aug 31st! Sooo, I get to see my 3 favorite people! August is a busy month! Zyler turns 1 on the 3rd and his older brother Steven turns 5 on the 29th! Then our meeting on the 31st. I'm so excited! This is the first time seeing them since placement. My sister will be able to come to the airport with me too! That Zyler is getting so big! I can't wait! He loves for you to clap along with him. He has a buddy name Charlie, who shares the same birthday! I think Zyler is 5 hour older or Charlie is! But he's gonna have fun. He also loves the water just like his sister and brother. And his Shea, me!
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The Second Coming....

One of my birthmom buds, Cindy got to see her birthdaughter on the 15th. And she told me that the experience was like an egale soaring, she just couldnt explain the feeling she had. Im soooo happy for Cindy and that she got a chance to see her. My chance is coming sometime next month. At the end, close to his birthday. My nerves are getting on end. My sister may not be able to come with me, and i wish she really could come with me. Just incaSE i pass out...lol But last month I spoke to My Jea. She is always there when i really need her and I thank her for that. And as for Mr. Zyler, he's getting bigger each time I see him, each picture I get. He's just a cutie pie...I love this lil boy so!!!

Its Final....

Today I got a text from Chris, it said...Its offical he is ours. Zyler Kendall James as of 8:45am. I was sooo happy for them. I kinda wish I could of been there, but i will get my chance to see my lil monkey toe in July. I have been doing well in almost my first year. I miss him so much. I made a scrap book for My Jea, to show Zyler when he can understand. Pics of me and his mom, me and his aunty, and his brother Steven, and sister Brea. I plan to make more when I get my chance to see him. And let more good memories manifest. Today was Zyler's finalization Day. Its final...FINAL

Month....Months...and More Months

I have chosen to take a break from couseling and I think i need to go back...lol I met someone and he broke me down so bad that, happiness came to me. And it was always there. Zyler has gotten so big and has teeth now.. Chris sunt me pictures of him in the pool. He's just amazing...

Letting Go!

I'm learning to let go of the pain I feel inside. I have been doing good and music has played a big role in my life! One of my birthmoms really hurt my feelings of what she said and I kind of relapsed. But I'm doing well and got my update letter and new pics of my Lil man. He has two teeth now! And getting bigger with every picture I see. I love him so!

Cant Figure Me Out....

I'am a person you cant figure out, my feelings, the way i think, anything. I hate it when im asked a question over and over. I'm in a place of transition, i have people who care about me for the first time. I have a person who cares and makes me smile, but is forcing almost what he wants us to be. I'm quiet, a loner of sorts, and NEVER share my feelings. I'am scared of moving on, but im not trying to force anyting. I dont want my cake right now, i want to eat first. I dont share my feelings, because of pasts. But im not putting it on anyone, or blaming them of the past. I need to want to be with you, and miss you, and wondering are you thinking about me. Dont force us, when i feel like that, i push away. I withdraw myself. I beat myself up sometimes of how i think and why i cant just come out and enjoy whats out here to enjoy. Its hard...very hard. And i guess you will never understand or figure me out. And the thing is...i want you too

Sometimes i see black and white, and never color. Life needs to be enjoyed in color, but im tryin to see in 20/20..

5 months ago...

Today, my lil monkey toe is 5 months today. I'm so numb i cant cry. 5 months ago, i had my second son and i gave him to his parents. The prosac is woking right?? Makes me not worry of the torment im feelin in my heart. My heart is broken, it hurts so bad that its in pieces. I MISS HIM DAMMIT!!! Can anyone hear me, do anyone care?? I'm yearning for my son, just to hold him or smell his smell. I'm so envious of them all. They get to hold him and cherish the moments. What do i have? Pictures and my own memories of him. Why does it have to hurt so bad, like i've been stabbed in my heart. I keep bleeding love for him...for Zyler

My mood sometimes...

This picture may be weird but sometimes my mood is like this picture. You cant expalin it really, just feel the picture....

2008 Wrap up

Lets see if i can get this... found out who my REAL friends are, and its a couple. Went on a tough journey of life and came out with an additon to my family. Had a nervous breakdown, found out that family doesnt care and welcomed what the Dr. ordered. Absentee fathers...(what else is new) and made some real important friendships. Started back a better friendship with a high school friend and ending this year with a birthday party. How will i start 09?? With another birthday...mine!!!! New Years resolution-Dont waist time on unimportant things/people, surround yourself with people who really care about your well being, cherish the friendships that are worth saving, accept that you cant save everyone and this might include family. Sometime you have to let go and grieve for something you never had.And sometimes you have to let people in who really care about you. Dont push them away, and thats something for the 09,ima try NOT to do. Honestly im scared of what the new year brings. I've been through hell and back, the past yr and a half. I just need to catch a break, a good one. Thats all im asking. I dont ask for much, shit i barely ask for anything. I need a chance to prove myself God, a chance to show you i can do this. Hopefully God will bless me with something better than this...TO THE FUTURE!!!