A Breakthrough

This Tuesday was a big deal for me. I cried like i never did before. My counselor said she could see the hurt and the pain in my face. I realized, that the adoption and missing my son is not the only thing apart of my depresson. I never had a mom and a dad. My mom has never been there for me in my 27 yrs of being here. We dont talk about the adoption, hell we dont talk about how im feeling at all. And that hurts. You would think if you have parents, that one would be the one that would be there for you right??? No...My father is not there, and has never really been a father. I always had to talk to other peoples moms or older sisters about what your mom is suppose to tell you. I cant change her, she has to want that herself, and i see she dont think its important. I could be planning my suicide and she wouldnt know, cause shes not in tune with her own daughter. I have a lot of pain dealing with both my parents. And it hurts so bad. I stay with a woman, who dont know me. Why tell her anything, its too late. Why tell her how i was almost rapped and took to a second location and had a gun pulled on me at 19. WHY??? its not gonna fix anything. I really feel im damaged goods. My father just hurts me and doesnt care. I cried so hard Tuesday, my heartache, my hurt, my pain, my torment was expressed that day. And i choose to mourn the mom i will never have. I mourned the father i never did have. And i mourn the son i gave to adoption. I feel im being punished for something i did in my past. Because im stuck in my own hell right now. I cant get it right. I just wanna work, put a roof over me and my kids head, and be the mom i know i can be. I truly feel like im not a good mom. I cant take care of them like i want to and it sucks so much. It hurts so much. Sometimes i would rather die than to suffer or see my kids suffer. I honestly feel like that sometimes. I know so many people are suffering more than me, but it hurts the same.