Cant Figure Me Out....

I'am a person you cant figure out, my feelings, the way i think, anything. I hate it when im asked a question over and over. I'm in a place of transition, i have people who care about me for the first time. I have a person who cares and makes me smile, but is forcing almost what he wants us to be. I'm quiet, a loner of sorts, and NEVER share my feelings. I'am scared of moving on, but im not trying to force anyting. I dont want my cake right now, i want to eat first. I dont share my feelings, because of pasts. But im not putting it on anyone, or blaming them of the past. I need to want to be with you, and miss you, and wondering are you thinking about me. Dont force us, when i feel like that, i push away. I withdraw myself. I beat myself up sometimes of how i think and why i cant just come out and enjoy whats out here to enjoy. Its hard...very hard. And i guess you will never understand or figure me out. And the thing is...i want you too

Sometimes i see black and white, and never color. Life needs to be enjoyed in color, but im tryin to see in 20/20..

5 months ago...

Today, my lil monkey toe is 5 months today. I'm so numb i cant cry. 5 months ago, i had my second son and i gave him to his parents. The prosac is woking right?? Makes me not worry of the torment im feelin in my heart. My heart is broken, it hurts so bad that its in pieces. I MISS HIM DAMMIT!!! Can anyone hear me, do anyone care?? I'm yearning for my son, just to hold him or smell his smell. I'm so envious of them all. They get to hold him and cherish the moments. What do i have? Pictures and my own memories of him. Why does it have to hurt so bad, like i've been stabbed in my heart. I keep bleeding love for him...for Zyler

My mood sometimes...

This picture may be weird but sometimes my mood is like this picture. You cant expalin it really, just feel the picture....

2008 Wrap up

Lets see if i can get this... found out who my REAL friends are, and its a couple. Went on a tough journey of life and came out with an additon to my family. Had a nervous breakdown, found out that family doesnt care and welcomed what the Dr. ordered. Absentee fathers...(what else is new) and made some real important friendships. Started back a better friendship with a high school friend and ending this year with a birthday party. How will i start 09?? With another birthday...mine!!!! New Years resolution-Dont waist time on unimportant things/people, surround yourself with people who really care about your well being, cherish the friendships that are worth saving, accept that you cant save everyone and this might include family. Sometime you have to let go and grieve for something you never had.And sometimes you have to let people in who really care about you. Dont push them away, and thats something for the 09,ima try NOT to do. Honestly im scared of what the new year brings. I've been through hell and back, the past yr and a half. I just need to catch a break, a good one. Thats all im asking. I dont ask for much, shit i barely ask for anything. I need a chance to prove myself God, a chance to show you i can do this. Hopefully God will bless me with something better than this...TO THE FUTURE!!!