Bringing in 2009

Well, My Jea and Chris sunt me and the kids a package, and it had cars for Steven and a lil clutch and lip gloss for Brea. I love bath stuff. I love to smell good. And i got some more poses from the studiochristy shoot. I got a update letter from My Jea's parents too. They look so happy being grandparents to a lil boy. Jea told me he charmed everyone in Kentucky. He is so treasured in my heart. Maybe one day i will start on that Dear Zyler letter and my scrapbook too. I wonder what the new year will bring???

White stuff

Well My jea has put up new pics of Peacock Ln. Its heavy heavy snow, with a lil bear in it...

The white stuff

My lil girl Brea asked me was it going to snow. And i told her that Beaumont doesnt get snow...i guess mama was wrong

Photos By: www.studiochristy.com

Sometimes I Cry By Tupac Shakur

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M ALONE I CRY BECAUSE I'M ON MY OWN THE TEARS I CRY R BITTER AND WARM THEY FLOW WITH LIFE BUT TAKE NO FORM I CRY BECAUSE MY HEART IS TORN AND I FIND IT DIFFICULT 2 CARRY ON IF I HAD AN EAR 2 CONFIDE IN I WOULD CRY AMONG MY TREASURED FRIENDS BUT WHO DO U KNOW THAT STOPS THAT LONG TO HELP ANOTHER CARRY ON THE WORLD MOVES FAST AND IT WOULD RATHER PAST U BY THAN 2 STOP AND C WHAT MAKES U CRY IT'S PAINFUL AND SAD AND SOMETIMES I CRY AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHY.

My thoughts

Today, i checked My Jea's shutterfly site and seen new pictures of my lil monkey toe up there. He's so amazing each time. He is a special lil boy to everyone. I know the holiday will be rough, but i've told my other two kids about him. They didnt come to the hospital when i had him. My lil 4yr old knows his name and the parents name too. They want to make him something for Christmas..isnt that sweet. I have a baby blanket that i had as a baby and have used it with both my kids and have now passed it on to him. Sometimes i feel im not giving my kids all of me. My Dr. put me on prosac and it has helped me cope, but due to my financial situation i havent been able to get a refill. I pray that i will be strong for all three of them.

He Turned 4 months Yesterday

My Zyler turned 4 months yesterday..I had a lot of emotion, a lot of sadness, never regret. i miss him so much it hurts. Its like a void in my heart. I'm always crying, how can you stop from feeling so bad? I see him growing right in front of my eyes, and I can honestly say im jealous..no, im envious because im missing out on his life. Its never goodbye but see you later. How do you tell your heart what your head knows?? I love Zyler!!!!

Bestfriends Arent Forever

My X bestfriend who i have been knowing for 11 years has been trash talking me about me desicion of adoption, just cause she dont agree with it. And has started soooo much mess and doesn't want to own up to it. Instead, she puts all the blame on my sister. Saying she told people about my adoption. The girl who says she loves me like a sister stabbs me so deep in my back i cant get it out. And she can leave it there. She has done petty things in our friendship, but this takes the cake. I'AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHAT I DID. And I'm proud of me. And no one is gonna take that away from me not even my x bestfriend is not gonna take this away me. I will not be made to feel ashamed or low or a bad mother for what i did. This is why i kept everything secret. Cause people are so cruel, even a bestfriend. But now i will tell the whole world about my adoptive family, about Zyler. I will shout it out if i have to. Go up on a mountain and SCREAM!!! it

No Subject

How do you show a person how much you love them? In words? Maybe actions?? How do you let them know you have so much love and its all for them? I love this little boy, I love his mom and his dad too. He's 4months tomorrow and he's growing so fast. Im envious at times, jealous...maybe, but im so lucky. I dont think anyone realizes how lucky I'am. Do you choose to know? Do you dare to ask? Shea, why are you so lucky? I gave birth to him and I'm so lucky to have gave him them. I'm not going to lie and say everything is so peaches and cream, I hurt and I cry myself to sleep many of nights. I pray that he wont hate me when he's older, I pray he understands why I did what I did. And he couldnt have a better mom, dad, aunties, uncles, and granpas and grandmas who love him so much. And me, who love him. A sister and brother who asks about him all the time. Im full of happiness and sadness each time he makes another month. Im happy because he's here and sadd because he's not here with me. But seeing the happiness on his parents face is the best. I wouldnt take it back. And for those who asks, I wouldnt take him back either...STOP ASKING!!! I take it one day at a time. One more month out the way. And another year to get through. Why cant my heart understand what my brain does?

A Breakthrough

This Tuesday was a big deal for me. I cried like i never did before. My counselor said she could see the hurt and the pain in my face. I realized, that the adoption and missing my son is not the only thing apart of my depresson. I never had a mom and a dad. My mom has never been there for me in my 27 yrs of being here. We dont talk about the adoption, hell we dont talk about how im feeling at all. And that hurts. You would think if you have parents, that one would be the one that would be there for you right??? No...My father is not there, and has never really been a father. I always had to talk to other peoples moms or older sisters about what your mom is suppose to tell you. I cant change her, she has to want that herself, and i see she dont think its important. I could be planning my suicide and she wouldnt know, cause shes not in tune with her own daughter. I have a lot of pain dealing with both my parents. And it hurts so bad. I stay with a woman, who dont know me. Why tell her anything, its too late. Why tell her how i was almost rapped and took to a second location and had a gun pulled on me at 19. WHY??? its not gonna fix anything. I really feel im damaged goods. My father just hurts me and doesnt care. I cried so hard Tuesday, my heartache, my hurt, my pain, my torment was expressed that day. And i choose to mourn the mom i will never have. I mourned the father i never did have. And i mourn the son i gave to adoption. I feel im being punished for something i did in my past. Because im stuck in my own hell right now. I cant get it right. I just wanna work, put a roof over me and my kids head, and be the mom i know i can be. I truly feel like im not a good mom. I cant take care of them like i want to and it sucks so much. It hurts so much. Sometimes i would rather die than to suffer or see my kids suffer. I honestly feel like that sometimes. I know so many people are suffering more than me, but it hurts the same.

I'am a 27 single mother of two, and recently found out i was pregnant. I told the father and he acted like he was ok with my choice to keep the baby. Further down the line his phone majically was cut off and i was stuck with being a single parent of three. I made the choice of adoption. I found an agency and started my journey. It was hard being alone, pregnant and having opinons put upon you. After countless profiles, I found the perfect family for my baby boy. What drew me to them you say?? The soon to be mother was adopted herself. And would know how he would feel. She has a wonderful relationship with her birthmother and that made me soo happy. And wanted an open adoption. I asked my worker would it be ok to ask the family to be there when i deliver. And they were estatic that i would want them there. They're from Oregon. And flew to Galveston, TX to meet. We spunt the whole weekend getting to know each other, swaping family stories, and getting to know me. My Jea is what i call her. We met Saturday and Sunday, August 3 at 10:23pm Zyler Kendall James came in this world. And the family was right there by my side. My Jea right there holding my hand. I was sooo happy, because that day she became a mom. And Chris became a dad. They stayed in the room with me. In this tiny lil room with three people in it. Chris made sure i was comfortable and they gave me my pain meds. My Jea made sure i didnt have to eat the cafeteria food....yuk! When the day came to sign the papers, the day before i cried my eyes out looking at this lil baby that i carried and wishing things could be different. But, signing those papers, I knew i was making a wonderful choice. I love this family soo much. I know there will be more days of crying, but we always stay in touch. Either im getting a new email with pictures or a suprise pic text on my phone. I'm so glad of the choices I've made. A piece of me is forever with these two people...My Jea & Chris
They are so deserving of being parents, and I'm glad i could be apart of this special occasion!!

ADOPTION IS A WONDERFUL BLESSING. A SELFLESS ACT OF LOVE FROM THE BIRTHMOTHER AND GIVING ANOTHER A CHANCE TO BECOME ONE